Commercial Review: “Color Match, Girl” BTS 2014 Campaign TV Ad

This is currently my least favorite commercial on TV.  I don’t watch a lot of commercials, so I may be biased.

0:00: What I dislike about this, initially, is the fact it’s a back to school ad.  Ever since I was a child, and up until today, celebrating going back to school is like celebrating your execution.  I’m filled with dread when I see a back to school ad.  So this thing has an uphill climb to begin with.

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0:00-0:01: Granted I grew up in the bleak undeveloped coastal forest, but who the fuck dresses like this at all?  Bright colors?  I guess it’s possible kids are different than they were decades ago when I associated with them, but I don’t buy it.  Further, the girl on the left hand side pawing at her stupid green baseball cap is a terrible extra.  She’s mugging for the camera far too much, and her friends aren’t even looking directly at her.  She’s just sitting there stroking her scalp as if in in a vain attempt to get her hair to grow back so she doesn’t have to wear a hat.  Take it from me, Sweety—the hair isn’t coming back.  Get used to the fucking hat.  The only guy in the whole commercial that nails it is the dude in the lower left hand side who’s playing with his phone.  Which is really what I should be doing instead of writing about a commercial that I don’t like.

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0:01-2: Oh shit!  The girl is wearing the same color as the guy.  I guess Shoe Carnival bought too much blue dye, and now you can buy it too!

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0:03: Goddamn drum machine music.  Anyway, I guess we’re supposed to assume that the girl is running to class while a cheer leader is frustratingly almost on screen.  Funny story: I once didn’t let anyone go to sleep while I was insisting watching, “CHEERLEADER FINALS,” in two hours would have sexy results.  Turns out they were for a middle school and it was not sexy.  I’m guessing the same is true for this cheerleader since this commercial is full of fail.  The hallway is super crowded, so I guess nobody else cares about getting to class.  She’s just looking at her phone and running.

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0:04: Kid on a skateboard.  With full sleeve tattoos.  Look, I get that my school was hardly in the richest area in the world.  But a high school kid with full sleeves?  I was about thirty before I could afford most of a sleeve.  I will gladly take whatever shit part time job this high school student has if he can afford full sleeves.  Fuck this commerical.

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0:05 Full sleeve kid gets a slow motion shot as he uses his skateboard in a now inexplicably empty hallway.  The one good thing is that you can see the girl is duck footed.  As someone who is pigeon toed, I feel your pain, Sister.  But your yellow pants suck.

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0:06: Fucking soccer.  I know this is a good way to show shoes.  I get it.  But in my day, soccer was a game for children and girls.  The first time I brought a German friend to the states, I stood proud as he fell back in utter dismay that not only did nobody care about the World Cup, but people grew actively hostile when it accidentally came on TV.  Now I guess it’s different and we’re supposed to take pride in being duped by advertisers that spent billions of dollars getting Americans to accept the world’s biggest industry that doesn’t make anything.  Pathetic.  Now back to the essay I wrote about being duped by advertisers that spent millions of dollars getting Americans to accept a product that they don’t need.

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0:07: “JOHNSON, WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT PLAYING WITH THE GODDAMNED SOCCER BALL IN THE HALLWAY?  YOU ALMOST SMASHED REBECCA IN THE FACE.  I’LL SEE YOU IN DETENTION!”  Also, Rebecca, can you find a cheaper looking watch?  And what’s with the kid on the left hand side of the soccer ball?  Is he a kid from 1984 come dressed as he’d imagine people from the future were going to look?  What kind of abusive parent would let a kid go to school dressed like that?  “Here Billy, your dad lost everything playing poker, so you can take his red visor despite the fact it makes you look like you have Beavis’ hair.”  When he’s leaving the house, “If you’re going to wear the giant white headphones, don’t forget your giant “O” belt buckle!”  And good job on your superman colors, loser.

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0:08: DTP?  Mostly, this kid is like a predator.  But not Predator (Ie, an alien hunting someone).  More like, “To Catch a Predator.”  He sees a girl wearing the same color he is so he sprints after her?  Hasn’t he seen future boy up above?  Can’t he stop and punch soccer kid in the stomach?

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0:09: The teachers make too much money, but let’s paint our school in the most inefficient colors possible.  Also, look at Wally Cleaver there in the lefthand side.  In the next second, someone better push the books out of his hands.

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0:09-10: What the fuck is that kid doing in the middle of the hall?  And if he knows what’s good for him, he’s going to get out of the way because…

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0:10: …There’s apparently some poor girl running for her life because some psychotic saw that she had blue on her and he absolutely will not stop until he catches her.  Of course, she’s totally showing prey behavior and should probably just ask for help instead of running.  Also in this scene, we get a homemade sign apparently saying, “Welcome Back.”  Two things about this: What kind of monsters at the school district made someone make this sign?  Do you think the teachers did it?  Or do you think some Herbert student came in to do it?  I’ll bet it’s Wally Cleaver from a few frames back.  However, I choose to think it says, “Welcome Jack,” and the assembly they have scheduled today is our own Jack of Spades.

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0:11: Well, there’s the cheerleader.  I’m disappointed again.  Though I choose to believe this is a scream of horror as she sees the guy in blue hunt down this poor girl.

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0:13: Kid on the left stepped in the melted remains of the Noid, apparently.  The one second from the right is a poor kid.  He’s wearing his brother’s hand-me-down shoes.

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0:16: For a second I thought their mascot was going to be an angry gull.  I guess it’s just some stupid bald eagle with part of its beak sewed shut with a zipper.  The bald eagle apparently also hangs out in the, “bad part,” of the hallway since this is apparently where the only black people live.  Incidentally, the banner she’s jumping on says, “Be Amazing.”  Good job on that informative propaganda, Wally Cleaver.

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0:16-7: Oh, we can see what our protagonist thinks about the, “Bad part,” of the hallway.  As she runs for her life she has time to make sure everyone knows where she stands.  By the way, mad props for the girl in the foreground in her, what I assume are skulls, shirt.

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0:18: Skull shirt wins this entire ad, managing to look pretty amazing as she watches the sparkles that White Flight knocked from her hands get thrown into the air.  Meanwhile the Blue Maniac appears to be on some kind of drug, which may explain why he’s aggressively going after this poor girl.  Also, Wally Cleaver, your banner still sucks.

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0:19: Now that he’s grabbed her, he seems really unsure of what he’s supposed to do.  Oh hormones, you’ll figure it out.

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0:20: This ad would totally be redeemed if it was about selling the same shoes that the bald eagle gull mascot was wearing.

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0:22: Remember boys, if you aggressively chase after a girl and wrench her arm, she’ll totally fall in love with you!  Though bald eagle gull is clearly stealing the show at this point, I have to also point out the drug dealer in the background.  Do remember they’re in the “bad part,” of the hallway still.

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0:25: Wait, it was this girl’s fantasy the whole time?  Alright, well remember boys, girls fantasize about being chased down the hallway and having their arm wrenched by a stranger in a place they don’t feel comfortable while a bald eagle gull dances around them.  Girls are into some fucked up shit.  At least it’s not an ad about vampire menstruation.

No, I don’t like this ad.

  2 comments for “Commercial Review: “Color Match, Girl” BTS 2014 Campaign TV Ad

  1. Juke
    August 20, 2014 at 4:46 pm

    Yes, I too hate this ad. I hate t.v. I hate how everyone is a model in this make believe world that they try and relate to the public. Reality is nothing like your damn ad! But, I guess that’s the point, they’re selling a dream or in this case…a nightmare.

    Totally a Gull mascot that just looks like an Eagle. He should’ve shit all over the place. He did, it’s just out of frame.

    I don’t trust any corporation that has every race on this planet represented. They’re trying way too hard when they do that. Some diversity yes, but c’mon.

    Soccer is good. And by that I mean it can bring real sports (Baseball, Football and even Hockey) to Portland. I am a Timbers fan only on the account of bringing this city better sports.

    The music sucks but drum machines are fine. KMFDM uses them (cause they don’t make mistakes).

    I was looking at my younger cousin’s yearbook (he graduated this year) and they have a whole section dedicated to students with tattoos. How the times have changed.

    This ad sucks for sure, but for all our Newport stories, picture this, it was just like this ad.

  2. Verity
    August 25, 2014 at 4:34 am

    Oh my fucking gods, the DTP call was hilarious. Ahem, I mean your run down of this advertising was informative and humorous.

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