The Immortal Goon: My initial response on seeing the picture was to look at my favored turtle, Michelangelo, a choice that I should probably explain.  These are choices that are sealed in childhood, and I couldn’t tell you exactly why he was my favorite at the time.  I doubt it was marketing, as infantilizing Michelangelo was always something that grated on me.  It could have been that he was orange and green, and I grew up in an Irish-American household and at a subliminal level that peaked my interest.  It may have even been that he was something that I was not, he was comfortable with himself, willing to let life go by without a bother, but was quick to put himself into action when it was necessary.  Being a kid that felt like I didn’t have a lot of friends but a strong desire to show how awesome I could be—such a character would be an appealing fantasy.  But it was probably something as crass as I liked his weapons and the part of the intro where he is flinging away the ninja stars is pretty fucking boss:

But whatever the reason, after the initial choice was made, this was something more permanent than a tattoo.  People hate Michelangelo, and I understand those reasons.  He is childish, and he was the key to marketing useless junk for the old 1987 show.  However, as I grew up, he grew up too.  It may have started with the pamphlet for the SNES version of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Arcade Game.  Michelangelo was portrayed, as my memory serves, as being the most raw skilled, but the least honed.  And this made perfect sense to me, and continues to do so.  I liked the nuance that this gave the Turtles.  Michelangelo did not want to be a ninja.  He still didn’t.  Splinter takes on a darker character as someone that found mutants and began to train them as assassins for his own fulfillment of vengeance.  Leonardo graciously accepted the path.  Raphael used it as a channel for his own means.  Donatello used the discipline to focus toward his real interests.  Michelangelo was a created weapon that never had a choice, and remains on the path Splinter decided making for him through loyalty to his brothers alone.  I don know that this interpretation has very little to rely upon in the canon (though it is alluded to in the later incarnations of the cartoon).

This was the opposite of what may have attracted me to him before.  He was not a laid-back mellow kind of dude, but someone trying to deal with having no control over his life through reaction-formation.

But looking at Michael Bay’s vision of Michelangelo takes away everything I had convinced myself about the character.  His shell is shaped like a one-piece woman’s swimsuit designed to spill cleavage out.  His headband and grimace make me think more of Predator than the Ninja Turtles, and this has something to do with his giant build.  He’s wearing leather pants for some reason, and a sweatshirt instead of a loin cloth—all of these things instantly dating him as some retro ‘90s figure.

More than that, these look like bad toys.  The movement doesn’t look good, the weapons are yellow, which always makes me think that they look cheap.

Perhaps most importantly, if we want to get on the topic, they’re gigantic musclebound monsters.  A lot of ink has rightfully been spilled on the unrealistic expectations Barbie gives to little girls, though it would be hard to argue that He-Man had no affect on little boys either—especially as we have seen six-pack abs going from a curiosity to an expectation.

What do you put into yourself when deciding what kind of characters that you like? What makes a good toy, verses a bad toy? Do seeing reiterations of childhood things cause you to look at yourself?  And how is something like My Little Ponies accepted happily by most in a later incarnation, but something like TMNT treated with such hostility?

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Qmusing:  My favorite turtle was Donatello. Like any other humble person, as a child, I thought of myself as intelligent. Thus, I was attracted to the turtle who most represented the intelligentsia. I don’t appreciate what they have done to my favorite turtle.

***

“The uncanny valley is a hypothesis in the field of human aesthetics which holds that when human features look and move almost, but not exactly, like natural human beings, it causes a response of revulsion among some human observers. The “valley” refers to the dip in a graph of the comfort level of humans as subjects move toward a healthy, natural human likeness described in a function of a subject’s aesthetic acceptability.”

SL: Leo was always my favorite turtle.  I think because my father was conservative and in the military when I was younger I looked up to the traits exemplified by Leo; hard work, submission to a system of authority, and having the ability to use lethal force when necessary.

Much like Verity, I was also drawn to the color and it’s emotional impact on me.  I always considered blue my favorite color at the time.  Blue represented being even keeled as opposed to red which was lusty and brash.  Blue complimented Leo and fit with my ideal.

Like The Immortal Goon, I think that Leo provided an example that matched a fantasy of who I wish I could be even if I knew deep down that it was unobtainable.   Being a small, bespectacled kid I think I craved the idea of being a leader and working my way there through hard work and discipline. Perhaps it provided a tantalizing in road to achievement through sacrifice as opposed to having the natural gifts to excel.  Leo wasn’t the most charismatic or sexy of the turtles, but he put the time in and was rewarded for his diligence.

But Leo I am not.  Where he would be the type to eat right, exercise and train in a measured tedium, I found myself the opposite.   Finding boredom (not security) in monotony, preferring to talk rather than walk, and becoming easily frustrated when tasks took more than minimal effort to complete.  Leo represented a wish, a dream, but not a goal.

Leo lacked perception on emotional nuances.  When things didn’t conform to what he thought they should be he would become confrontational,  not introspective.  It took him work to find common ground with peers, most notably with Raph.  These were areas in which I didn’t struggle.

I respond the same way as I have for the last 25+ years when questioned on my preference.  Leonardo is my favorite turtle. I identify more with the irresponsible son in the Prodigal Son parable.  Part of me will always wish I were the disciplined, stalwart good son however; especially if that son dual wielded katanas and wore blue.

I can’t remember my other two wishes, I think basically at the time I felt that if I were a ninja turtle there wouldn’t be anything else the world would have to offer.  Fucking glad that didn’t occur unless it meant I had the clout to make talk show rounds criticizing Michael Bay’s legacy ruining turtles travesty.

***

Verity: Once you became Leonardo, you could have also appeared on the ‘kids who wished they were turtles’ reunion reality show. I’m sure there were others like you. The show would get them all together to live on an island and follow the drama of all the washed up wish-kid turtles. There’s even a washed up Krang you guys have to share the house with. Krang makes you all glad you didn’t wish you were Krang at least. He dies during the season. Somebody steps on him.

***

SL: I want to dissect the brain of any kid who would spend a wish on becoming Krang. This from someone who would have spent a wish on becoming a four foot turtle. Really, I would find that kid interesting unless it was just about obtaining power. At least wish to be Shredder. Shredder kid would be rad.

***

Juke: Cowabunga!

When I was a kid I got Raph and Bepop action figures from my cousin Rob. That’s all I ever owned. It’d odd for my mom to be cool with me watching the cartoon but not having the action figures. Perhaps it was a consumer madness issue that she didn’t want her only son to be wrapped up in, I’m not sure. There was a madness with those green reptiles and when it infects a small Oregon coast town, that shit’s gone global.

Growing up in a divorced family was interesting. Especially when my father and mother are total opposites. My mother an artist hippie and my father a government yuppie. My dad’s house had a Nintendo with the Turtles game. When you go from a house with no Nintendo to one with a Nintendo, one loses their fucking mind. I played that Turtles game non-stop. The Turtle van was boss and there was that insane jump that was impossible to make, but we kept playing.

The arcade game had the stats of all the Turtles as part of the demo reel. I love stats. I just watched that intro again and again with “Insert Coin” flashing in front of my eyes to memorize their ages, height, etc.

My step brother had the Turtle van. I was boiling with envy. I can’t have Turtles at my mom’s but at my dad’s house thry were totally awesome. Not to mention I had a Garfield stuffed animal that I called “Gar-Farts” at my mom’s but “fart” wasn’t accepted at my dad’s! It was Ed Sullivaned to “Gar-toots”.

*Head explodes*

I am a black belt in Taekwondo. When you’ve got colored belts and are surrounded by the same weapons as the Turtles you feel even more connected to the Turtles. All of us kids couldn’t shut up about the similarities with the Turtles and Taekwondo. Even though they were Ninjas and we were Taekwondo students. And Taekwondo is one of the least contact martial arts around still, we thought we were them. I am by no means a master of any of the weapons the Turtles used but I can say the Nun-chucks were by far the hardest. The Sai is the lamest weapon in the video game and that transferred to real life. NO ONE touched the fucking sais in Taekwondo class.

My favorite Turtle is Don.
Here’s a few reasons why: He does machines. His weapon has the best reach. When beating Rocksteady in the NES game, the bo-staff was king. During the theme song, when Don is making coffee with that huge Keurig the lyric: “That’s a fact, Jack!” plays thus cementing Don my favorite.

I am happy to have my childhood memories sprinkled with the Turtles of yore. I am glad my friends share the same, shall I say “cowabuna-ness” for our favorite pre-twenties abnormal assassin reptiles.

***

SL: Juke, my parents wouldn’t let me watch Scooby-Doo when I was younger because they said it featured witchcraft and occultism.  When I queried them recently they told me that they don’t remember that but if they had said that it most likely was a cover for their extreme revulsion towards the show.  I think it’s fascinating to break down strange behavior exhibited by our parents during childhood.

***

The Immortal Goon: My parents wouldn’t let me watch Scooby-Doo either, but it was because the animation was so terrible.  They wanted me to watch something that moved with more fluid and had interesting story lines.  There’s probably something to be said about that, but it’s weird how draconian that felt at the time.

***

ML: Ahh, often the last choice, but never far from everyone’s thoughts…

This is Raphael in a nutshell. Sometimes it seems he is the least liked of the Turtles, but everyone has to mention him as a contrast reference when choosing who they do prefer over the angst-driven, typical badass of the group that he is. Yes, my favorite is and always has been Raphael. I have no real color affinity with Raph because red has never been my color of choice. I don’t hate it, but if given a choice in my childhood I would have said blue which is why Leo ends up my number two choice. Reflecting back as an adult however, I find purple is starting to compete with blue for favorite color leading me to hold a tie between Leo and Don as second favorite.

The reason I chose Raphael was because I was extremely drawn to his use of sarcasm as his preferred method of dealing with things from banter with the others to expressing his life views. I felt the sarcasm and cynicism masked his troubled heart which always seemed in jeopardy of breaking whether it was from his own shortcomings or disappointment/disapproval of others. It also seemed to mask his fears and doubts, and became a facade for him to fall back on when he felt unsure. His attitude was a way to keep people at a distance so that they don’t become innocent bystanders when his internal nuclear fallout occurred, or a defense mechanism to protect himself from others getting too close to him and risk him getting hurt when inevitably he felt he would let them down.

I frequently hear the argument that “everyone loves Raphael, he’s always the favorite”, yet with those whose opinions matter most to me, it never seemed to be the case. Most saw Raph as the easy choice for the rest of the narrow-minded world, aside from Mikey. Raph is the “badass”, the “tough guy”, the main focus of everyone’s attentions in Turtle-verse. Well, that may all be true, and as with my eternal (misguided?) love of the Cowboys, everyone always seems to hate on the vaunted favorite, the top dog, if you will. Most people I know love the underdog, and really who doesn’t love a good underdog? Well I love the top dogs before they become one, or for reasons outside of just what everyone else feels makes someone a favorite.

Raphael ran away from the others and preferred to be alone with his thoughts most of the time. I was left alone a lot in my childhood, and was forced to be with only my own thoughts and imaginations. I felt like I could understand him in our mutual solitude. While he was surrounded by people who cared about him, he often pushed them away to protect himself. I didn’t need to push others away, but I felt much the same. Solitude, although it can suck, is sometimes just an easier way to cope with things. Not having to expose oneself to the scrutiny and criticism of others that feels sure to follow. When one is burdened with self-doubt, being alone can be a blessing.

I felt similar frustrations, angst, and even anger that I always had someone telling me how to be better or someone I felt I wasn’t, yet not feeling understood as who I really am. Raph had the other Turtles always trying to get him to be agreeable to their way of life, or amenable to living a higher standard of being. Leo was diplomatic and a solid, responsible guy. Don was the genius of the group and his eccentricities regarded as part of that genius. Michaelangelo was the sweetheart and all-around fun guy. No one could feel bad around Mikey and being the goofball that he is, whenever he did make outlandish or silly comments/decisions, no one was overly concerned about it. Sometimes, a Turtle just wants to be loved for who he is and accepted as the surly, angst-ridden teenager he actually is. I felt Splinter really did understand him and checked him when he needed to be, but let be himself despite the others’ opinions.

Growing up trying to make friends every other year was always hard, but there was a time when certain things made those transitions easier. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was one of those “all kids knew and could relate to” parts of my childhood. I bonded with people over Turtles. I ate at Pizza Hut to get the Turtles Movie cassette tape which featured the ever – iconic Vanilla Ice song, Ninja Rap. Even now, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles bonds us together because there is something nostalgic and beloved with those Turtles that we all can relate to, and that is there true magic.

***

SL: The Turtles themselves aside, a good toy should feel solid with good moving parts.  I really hold GI Joes as a sorta best average standard.  Original turtles were good but the weapons were a little cheap.  But the moving arm and standardized size were easy to manipulate.

A good toy should never sacrifice function for form in my mind.  If you want a collectible to pose, that’s fine, I have a few but really it boils down to playing with the figurines in soap opera fashion.  When I think back it’s always a figure in each hand duking it out in melodramatic fashion.

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Juke: Turtles went overboard with all the different versions. I remember one version of the Turtles having these tape players on their back. You’d take a little plastic strip, slide it through an opening in the tape player to hear a scratchy “cowabunga!” It immediately ruined the fantasy. The best thing about toys is YOU give them life. I hated battery operated toys as a kid. I would always worry about the batteries running out. And when the batteries did run out it felt like the toy was broken. Batteries ruined toys. An action figure should be a simple posable figure with no circuits or chip boards. I was a Lego kid growing up and I hold those as the best toy for a kid.

***

The Immortal Goon: There was also this problem of what to do with the many incarnations that were probably fun to design, but had no function as a child.  “Leo is a Native American now.”  How in the world would you put that into your play?  Shredder made a time machine to go to the Old West, and Leonardo had to join Native Americans for no apparent reason?

That may be how I learned to play with toys too.  My brother and I would have long, elaborate plots that would take weeks to complete.  Shredder would begin recruiting foot soldiers in a local high school, so the Turtles would have to infiltrate some how.  While this is happening, Krang decides to one-up Shredder at some point and gets General Tragg to lead Ground Chuck and Dirtbag to tunnel under a nuclear power plant and hook up the Technodrome to get more power while Shredder is gone.  Bebop and Rocksteady, as Shredder’s proxies, need to do something about this.  In order to counter this, Splinter has to find the Rat King—who is in a never ending war with Leatherhead—in order to save them all.

This was a much different storyline than, say, our friend that would play with the Turtle toys as he may play through a video game.  You chose your Turtle, and then just had him fight every bad guy in a row.  I never really saw the point to it…

***

Verity: I have to add, growing up I felt sexually… confused by the TMNT. (Anyone else? Was it just me?) I would think to myself, “I’m not supposed to be attracted to these things. They’re turtles. Gross! Look at their hands, disgusting!” But still… I couldn’t help myself, regardless of my attempts at rationalizing. They were teenage guys for chrissakes. They were cool and strong; they liked pizza, and fighting. Being a misunderstood mutant added to the appeal even more. There was something unobtainable and raw about them.